This was written yesterday . . . posted only after sleeping on it . . .

Today is my son’s sixth birthday.

But it wasn’t him I woke up thinking about this morning.

I woke up thinking about the mammas and daddies who have had to say good-bye to a child before they ever got to say hello. People like my friend Shannon’s sister, my daughter’s first grade teacher and my mother’s quilting friend. On my mind most, however, have been my brother J. and his wife A. and their little Olivia.

Olivia was stillborn at 38 weeks last April 5th.

I never got to meet her.

I miss her terribly.

Why today? Why on G’s birthday has Olivia filled my mind so completely?

Maybe because the outcome on Olivia’s birthday was so very different.

Or maybe because when I celebrate the birth of one of my children I celebrate who they were, who they are and who they are becoming; and my heart aches because the opportunity to know Olivia and have her physically in our lives and all that brings with it was taken away from us.

Or maybe because it was just time for another round of tears.

(Long pause. Deep breath.)

A. shared with me once something a friend of hers told her that has been a source of comfort. A. was telling her friend about being sure that one day she would get to know why this happened.

Her friend said, “And when you do, it won’t matter why anymore.”

A.’s friend is right.

It won’t matter why because when that question is answered Olivia and her mamma will be together.

Just as one day Olivia will be with her daddy and grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins and siblings and everyone else who is loving on her from here.

. . . and so we will have a chance to know her . . . but we have to wait . . . wait with ache in our hearts. 

I believe Olivia knows all of this.

I also believe that Olivia is in the care of someone who loves her more than we can fathom . . . she is in His hands.

G-d bless you Olivia. I look forward to seeing your sweet face . . . which I’m just sure is going to have little freckles on it.

I love you.

Auntie D

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. aunt jake
    Mar 05, 2011 @ 16:59:50

    I know. I keep a copy of that sweet photo of J&A holding little Olivia in my choir folder. It seems to belong at church, with choir anthems. Tomorrow’s anthem is “Near to the Heart of God,” which of course is where Olivia is – and maybe her great-grandma is holding her too.


  2. Amy
    Mar 05, 2011 @ 22:08:41

    Thank you for remembering my sweet angel and for honoring like this


  3. Michelle
    Mar 08, 2011 @ 12:11:20

    So sad and so sweet. The hardest thing for a mother to bear. I’m so thankful God spared me that pain.


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